Two days and then it's my first appointment at Dr. Krenn, my (I hope) future psychiatrist who (I also hope) will be able to help me. And I am so afraid that he won't, that I can't be helped, that I am already too crushed that I can't get up again. Especially lately I carry this fear around me.
I don't do anything than lying in my bed, sleeping and still I am so, SO tired. Often I don't want to get up. Because then I'll just meet people who will judge me by who I am and I am sick of this. I am tired of this. I had enough of this judging look, these unsurenesses they gave me by just looking at me. I am a very paranoid person who would like to end everything just because people look at me weirdly or say anything I can't stand. I run away from them, I can't stand them anymore, I can't.
My grandmother asked me again what I want to do, if I either want to return to university or go working. And I just can't answer her. I just start screaming and crying just because I don't want to hear her anymore. She should stop this. Because I know. I know that I should decide but I just can't. I am not able to decide. I just stopped going to university and didn't say anything to anyone because I felt so shitty and can't handle ANYTHING that's relating to my future anymore. It breaks me down even more. I feel so terrible everyday, everytime when I think about this, this whole crap I created. But I can't handle this, I just can't do this anymore alone. But my grandmother doesn't get that. How much I am hurt, why I don't want to go out of my room most of the time, just for eating something. I can't stand this and all I want is to end this.

I can't do this and I am so afraid.

Current Mood:

My cat is on DRUGS!! Or chocolate, whatever. My cat is a chocoholic!! XD No, seriously the whole day she's searching in my room, looking for I-don't-know-what and know I put a chocolate out and ooohh! I know what she needs. I made her a chocoholic! Is that okay for a cat?

And my little sister wants to be "Heidi". Do you know that cartoon aka anime? Well, know she wants to live at the "Alm" and she's driving me crazy asking me "Who am I?" and I answering "Heidi -.-". She totally freaks out then!

I found my new favourite side *g* (except LJ of course). A manga download side!! And there are all the mangas I already wanted!! And some I already have but having them on my computer is ♥
Gosh, I am really becoming this manga-freak on your flist, right? But I love it. And I know that a lot people think "Manga? With pictures?" but if you like reading books and like reading because of the stories and you're "artistic", then I think mangas are great for you and I could recommend some awesome ones ^.^

I am nearly through Nip/Tuck S1 and I love it. Julian McMahone's voice is awesome <3
And I hate that my Photoshop-CD doesn't work because I always think about how beautiful an icon would look with this cap and so on -.- Do you know this? And I'd like to make arts!! Bigger than icons and I never wanted to go that far because I always thought my arts would suck but I have so many ideas and ARRGGHH!! That annoys me -.-'

Current Mood:

Happy Birthday, sono_da_cruel!
And because you said, I was like Koji, I drew him for you ^.^ (or rather: I tried!) Hope you like the pic ♥



Have a great day!!

Current Mood:

snagged from lasamy

Comment here and I will reply to you and tell you what icon of yours I associate with you.
Once I reply, tell me what icon you associate with me! ♥

One week and then there's my appointment at the psychiatrist. And I am afraid that my family won't support me because they are not doing this now, at all, so how in a week?

Anyway, I had my kind of therapy on Wednesday. Results: "Friends" S6, "Nip/Tuck" S1, 5 mangas, a capuccino with a "Palatschinken" (Austrian pancake, yummy!) and -80€.
And tomorrow I am getting 3 other mangas because I need this right now. And my drug: CHOCOLATE! Because I am sick of searching at 3am for some kind of chocolate in this damned house while my cat is begging for food or petting her or whatever (this cat is like me).

Do you think it's weird drinking coffee and eating and reading a manga alone in a cafe? Because I somehow didn't feel well sitting there alone although the people didn't recognise me (although my paranoid me hadn't such a feeling). But there isn't anyone to go with me and I wanted to do that because I haven't done this a month (yeah, that's about the time I've been at home now). I really enjoy going for a coffee or eating in a restaurant, but I somehow always have to do that alone. I need friends and a life.

Have a nice weekend, guys ♥

ETA: I have changed some entries, results from the character-fandoms meme and the movies-quote meme =P

Current Mood:

I don't know why but it seems as if nobody read the story I posted here. I am asking you again: Please read it and tell me what you think. I feel like crap lately again and I need something that tells me that I am worth something and that I can create something.

And: The movie-quotes meme

Current Mood:

I couldn't believe it but I got tagged by sweetgirl7808 for the "You Make My Day" award ^.^ I am still so honored, honey *huggles*
And now I guess, I have to tag 10 people.
So, you guys, make my day *g*: [in no particular order]

sweetgirl7808
lierina
lasamy
geschrieben
regenbogenpony
aliasledger
rhcp_csi
icymorning
sono_da_cruel
roukinelj

♥

And a movie-quotes meme seen at lasamy:

1. Pick 15 of your favourite movies.
2. Go to IMDb and find a quote from each movie.
3. Post them here for everyone to guess.
4. Strike it out when someone guesses correctly, and put who guessed it and the movie.
5. NO GOOGLING/using IMDb search functions. Totally cheating, you dirty cheaters.

( Believe me: this wasn't easy for me *drops* )

Current Mood:

Yeah, I finally managed to download Lost 402 ^.^ (after the whole day -.-) Yesterday my computer was a bitch but I managed to download Supernatural 310 but not Lost. So I am watching it after Be Cool Damn, John Travolta and Uma Thurman together = ♥ And Paul Adelstein!! (Agent Kellerman from PB or Cooper from GA/PP)
Van Helsing is also on TV but that movie just sucks -.-

And a bit about Supernatural 310 (behind a cut because I don't want to spoiler anyone who hasn't seen it yet).

( Dream a little Dream of Me )

So, the movies are over and I typed the story I wrote about two weeks ago. I want to post it now.
sono_da_cruel, I know, I said I would send it to you but then I had Internet problems and I want to post it now anyway.
There will be horrible mistakes now -.-
( Part 1. No title yet. Recommendations are appreciated. )

*Tell me what you think about this, and please be honest!
*What do you like, don't like, etc.
*Enjoy!
*Thank you for reading this ^.^

Current Mood:

So today was the day. The day when I should drive with a car for the first time since 5 months at my driver's school. And it was horrible. I am so confused. I don't know what happened. It happened all too fast. Holy crap, shit '.'

( =P )

Johann Hölzel aka Falco



Er starb wie James Dean. Auf einer Kreuzung.

Because of Falco's 10th day of death, I uploaded 12 songs I just love and I wanted to share. These are from his Best of album "Hoch wie nie".
Der Kommissar
Rock Me Amadeus
Junge Römer
Vienna Calling
Helden von heute
Egoist
Verdammt wir leben noch
Jeanny
Coming Home (Jeanny Part II)
Wiener Blut
Ganz Wien
Out of the Dark

(links and lyrics behind the cut)
If you still don't know who he is: He was THE Austrian Popstar, so German lyrics =P

( Er war ein Superstar, er war so populär... Muss ich denn sterben, um zu leben )

If you have any questions about lyrics or something else, just ask me ^.^ Enjoy!

R.I.P. Falco - Hans

Current Mood:
Current Music: Ganz Wien - Falco

I think I am at the bottom of my depression.
I don't know why, I just feel as if it can't get worse. Or that it can get really bad but I don't care.
That's the feeling I have the most in the last time: I don't care. The less about me. About Me, my life, my future, my friends I don't have anymore. Sometimes I ask myself as if I can feel anything about me. Yes, I do.

On Saturday I discovered why I can't sleep. Well, I sleep, 12 hours a day, but my problem is that I can't sleep until 3am or so and than sleep until 12am the next day (well, the same day *g*). But this makes my grandmother really angry, sad, whatever, but still, I don't care.
On Saturday I slept in the afternoon and then woke up at 10pm but still wanted to sleep but of course, I couldn't anymore. So I lay awake in bed at night, thinking about my life, my current constitution and I started crying and couldn't stop. I couldn't stand up either. All my "I-don't-care-anymore" situation and the feelings I hid came back and all at once to me and I couldn't stand it. It broke me again.
Now I know that I just wanted to protect myself about feeling like this. I often had such nights, I guess, months ago now and just forget about it. How I can't stand my tears. I know, tears aren't that bad, I used to cry very often in my life. But this... it's just horrible and I don't want to cry anymore.

Sometimes I think there's nothing in me. How I look at my grandmother when she's crying, how my sister cries and I don't care, the look on my grandfather's face when I say something he just can't understand because he can't understand my constitution. They all don't understand me.
So I don't talk to them. And if we just talk about everyday life, what we're currently doing. But if my grandmother wants to talk with me about my future, I just shut down and don't listen to her or go. I am sick of yelling and crying and watching how it breaks her. I don't want to hurt her. But I unfortunately do and I can't help myself. And most of the time I don't care.

On Friday I have to go to my old driver's school. They want to show if I can drive but I can't. I haven't driven a car since I got my driver's license and I know, it's going to be a small catastrophe. But do you know what: I don't care.
The date for the psychiatrist was wrong. My grandmother heard February 11th but it's the 22th. At first I was pretty angry that she didn't listen properly but at least she asked again after I told her about 20th time that she should call and ask again And again: I don't care anymore.
Sorry, I am moaning again =(

btw: My computer hates me and I hate my computer. I started the download for the new Prison Break episode 3 times and my computer never let me finish it. Now Megaupload says I have the download limit exceeded =(
btw2: Why do I have to read books where in the endings everybody I love have to die?

Current Mood:

First of all: Uuuuh, I got a banner/header after a request. From neversince @ virtuosities

And now I am thinking if I should put it in my profile (what I wanted) or use it as a header in my journal because I wanted to change my header anyway :/ Not sure.

And now: my squeeing of the new episodes of Lost and Supernatural.

( Supernatural 3x09  )

( Lost 4x01  )

These episodes kept me up until 3 am and after that I also couldn't sleep. And I finished my book "Elfentanz" and again I had something to worry about (stupid book with his stupid unsatisfactory ending >.<)

Current Mood:

( Seriously, my cat is paranoid! )

from lasamy

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don't speak often) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you're finished, post this little paragraph in your journal and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON'T ACTUALLY remember about you.

( +a meme from lierina )

Current Mood:

Current Music: American Psycho with my cat XD

So, I am back again! You may have noticed that I wasn't online the past days. My internet didn't work again and well, my grandmother thought it'd be a good idea if I wouldn't have the internet for a few days. But today I couldn't resist and had to fix it >.< You may know why.
Tonight I dreamt of missing the new episodes of Supernatural and Lost (really bad!!) and that I couldn't stand. So I am downloading them now and am happy :D
I just answered all your comments and will have a look at your journals now (just ignore the spoilers >.<) or maybe I'll do that tomorrow after watching the new episodes :D
And the no-internet-time wasn't that bad. I am about to finish a book! Unbelievable because I haven't finished a book since months, I guess. And it's really good. I don't know if you know that author. It's a german book, fantasy (>.<) by Wolfgang and Heike Hohlbein and I love their books ♥ The book is "Elfentanz" and their books are always so beautiful with amazing battle situations *wow*. You really should read a book of them when you're a fantasy fan.
I wish you a wonderful evening ^.^ I love you, guys :* ♥

current mood:

I have been a bit melancholy lately. So I was browsing through my Photobucket account and found some older icons and arts from me. So if you're interested...

Preview:

1. 2. 3.

( Click to see more )
Current mood:

It got worse. I ended up in my room, my grandmother crying. And I have sleeping pills and a bottle of sparkling wine in my room... I am afraid of myself. And of my grandmother.
Sorry that these are not good news at all but I have to tell somebody because I can't call anyone here who could help me :(

current mood: - calm
current music: voices in my head

meme stolen from rhcp_csi
( LJ meme )

current mood: - blank

lasamy asked me who Arina Tanemura is and if I could post some of her works. So her they are (I know, a bit late -.-)

( My favourite arts by Arina Tanemura ) mood: tired

Yeah, two memes on one day.

"Reply to this post and I'll pick 7 of your interest for you to explain in your journal. post this with the explanations so others can join in the explaining fun!"

( She picked... )